dark days are o OH ver...I wish

I'm so sick of dealing with dark feelings and hopelessness. I have no reason to be like this. I have no reason to doubt myself to question my worth only to determine I am worthless in the end.....But I do and I continue to. I have always felt like I'm on the outside of a game where the rules are clear to everyone else, but me. Where I have crossed these faux pauxs , but I don't even know they are wrongs and never realize them later, but yet still feel the isolation.I feel very isolated even in a room full of people who love me...it's as if I'm waiting for them to kick me out...and while they don't...they also don't invite me. I don't get invited over I don't get asked to a playdate or to a park or invited to a birthday party...I'm not thought of when  group of ladies get together. In someways the isolation is inevitable. I'm out here in Bradford...and not near anything I'm involved in in Troy. I'm one of few stay at home moms at my church, but  the only one with a child who is going to be 8. If I let myself I could just stay home and not be noticed that I wasn't there...
These all sound like things I could change or just get over...but I have not been able to change them so far...and they devastate me....and 31 years later....
It's to the point where I don't even think about the future...I make no future plans...I see no growth or dreams...I only live day to day and my days can last too long.
Nothing works out the way I thought it would....nothing
I'm drowning